These days I am not sure where I belong. I don't know if I want to continue working as a childbirth educator. When I teach classes I feel as if I am giving women information but not support. I seem to do better as a doula, when I can give information and be the second set of hands giving mom counterpressure to her back as the contractions get hard.
I don't know if I want to continue working as a doula. Sure, I love it, I truly do, but I want to do more. I want to be the midwife sitting on the sidelines keeping eye on mom as she labours in her birth tub. I want to be the OB who supports and reaffirms the concept of birth as normal and natural.
I am scared about the current status of midwifery in New Brunswick. Kate Nicholl, who has lobbied long and hard for midwifery legislation in this province, was quoted in the Moncton Times and Transcript a while back saying that once regulation is in place "it will be illegal" for women who are not trained midwives to attend births. I don't want a system like that. I want a system where I can birth the way I want, without my girlfriends fearing jail time should they assist my birth.
For the last month, my brain and emotions have been all over the place in regards to birth. I keep coming back to one thing: that birth is a normal, healthy process. I also believe that we are lucky to have the medical system we have should we need it. But I wish we could all lose the fear. And I wish I could figure my place with women, with birth, with life.